The End
by Camilla Faye Montgomery
Summary: Picks up right where the finale left off. Mac tells Harm what the doctor told her. Ch 3: Mac has three months to live; Harm and Mac have three months to make up for all the years they've wasted.
1. Chapter 1

The End  
  
by Kate

Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own JAG.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Not much to summarize here. What the doctor told her.  
  
So here it is, my triumphant return to the fanfic world, after months of absence. Sorry its short and not great and has no plot (thinking maybe I shouldn't be telling you everything that's wrong with it before you read it). Practice will cure all ills. Thanks for reading.  
  
The story:  
  
So when did this happen? How did my life become as it is now, and what did I do to make it so? It seems like these past few days have turned my whole life upside down, made the world once more incomprehensible to me. What's even stranger is that my life was already upside down. The months since last September saw many changes, and I guess I've only recently gotten used to the new status quo. Become if not comfortable, at least resigned to the way things are. Accepted that its impossible to reclaim the past, realized that the present presents many gifts of its own. My own little instant family has given me a fair share of joy and I suppose I expected things to continue as they were, happiness and sadness in a stable proportion. Not perfect, but at least predictable. Predictability is sadly underrated, I think. There's something comfortable, maybe even pleasant, in receiving according to your expectations. It almost makes you feel as if you were in charge, as if you were the one up there distributing life's pains and pleasures. Like maybe you weren't just hurtling blindly through life, desperately trying to push aside the darkness and really see where you're headed. Given the chance, would any of us really choose to burn the blinders and get a glimpse of our ever after? I don't know. I'm not sure I'd want to see me in a few years. I might not like the show.   
  
So how did I get here? Things were just starting to even out, I had an idea of what I was doing, where I was going. And now I don't know. She's sitting there in front of me, telling me she's going to die, and I don't know. Is there anything that I can say that won't come out sounding trite or cliché? Is there anything that I can do that will make anything any better for anyone? I've just told her, Hey, your boyfriend's a corpse. Let's have a baby! (not the exact words, but close enough for discomfort) and now she says she's dying.   
  
Harm... I can't...  
Three words. That's all it took for me to comprehend the depth of what was to follow. In the pause between her third word and fourth, I saw all of what she was trying to tell me. Who needs spoken words when tear-heavy eyes can communicate the whole story?  
  
...I can't. God, this is so hard. Why should it be?  
And she looked at me, and she really wanted to know. Was really asking me. Sometimes you ask a question, but you're not really looking for an answer. Its not that you wouldn't accept one were it given to you, its just that you don't expect to learn the that or the why, the if or the what. But she did. She was looking for the cause. Well, that's just another thing I couldn't give to her, another thing I couldn't be for her.   
  
I don't know, Sarah. Sometimes I think I don't know anything.  
  
You only call me Sarah when its really serious, a sad smile settled on her face. As if she'd made a decision to be cheerful for the rest of the conversation, maybe for the rest of her life. Not to long. She can do it. She's strong. She's a marine. She's going to die.  
  
I...it is serious, isn't it, Sarah?  
  
Yes. Harm, I can't have a child. I'm dying.  
  
So calm. Well, I could be calm too. And I was. I knew what was coming, after all. What else could it be? What other end to this world-shaking week but the revelation that my best friend and one true love was going to leave me forever? One true love. I haven't tried to hide my feelings from myself for a long time. Everything is as it is, and there's no use running from the truth. Mac is going to die. That's the truth she told me, the truth that I had to accept. Accept it, and move on. That was the plan.  
  
  
  
  
  
No! You...can't die. There must be some mistake. Test results got mixed up. Doctor was wrong. Hospital fouled up. You're not going to die...  
  
Well, plans are meant to be ignored, right?  
  
her voice was so smooth, so sweet, so serene, There's no mistake. The doctor performed an exploratory surgery. No tests to get mixed up. No chance...  
  
You'll get a second opinion. There's a way. There has to be a way. Sarah...I'm not ready to live this life without you.  
  
Harm, you're going to have to.  
  
So this is how it goes, said my mind, I feel like I'm losing everyone all at once. The Admiral, Harriet, Mattie, even Webb, and now her.   
  
Harm...Harm, will you do something for me?


	2. Chapter 2

The End: Chapter II  
by Kate

a/n: Ok, here it is: chapter 2. Please review. Its been really difficult getting back into writing, and I'm feeling kind of discouraged. So, any comments would be really appreciated. Thanks.  
  
And no, I don't believe for a second that they're going to kill off Mac on the show. But this isn't the show. So there you go.  
  
The story:  
  
Was it really fair for me to ask this of him? I don't know. What is fair? Having your life expectancy suddenly cut in half, and being much too close to the short end for comfort? Thirty-five years old and dying? But to make him go through all of this with me, to force him to experience from the outside what I was to experience on the inside. Maybe there are just some things that you can't ask of even your closest friends.   
  
No, no, never mind Harm...I... I heard my voice, shaky yet sure.  
  
Mac...Sarah. I would do anything for you. You know that, don't you? He looked at me. His eyes glistened with barely restrained tears as he slowly took my hands in his. And I knew then that this was something I couldn't ask. Because the answer would surely be yes.   
  
I know. And that's why I can't ask you. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I was being emotional. Please Harm, just forget it. It doesn't matter.  
  
I knew that I had done the right thing, that to do otherwise would be selfish. And yet, a voice deep inside of me cried out against the prospect of spending the rest of my short life alone. How can anyone understand what it feels like to know that you will never have the happiness that you've dreamed of for years? That the future you envisioned for yourself will never be? That you waited too long and now your time is up and you've lost your chance? I never thought that my life, my relationship with Harm would end like this.   
  
I looked up at the man who had always been there, who would always be there, if only I would let him. So much I had put him through. So long we had denied our emotions, denied the truth. And for what? What sense is there in delay when you know, you know that something is meant to be? But that's just what we had done. Time had slipped past us unnoticed as we had stayed frozen, immobile, trapped just out of reach of each other. That time was lost now, forever. Had I somehow convinced myself that I was immortal, that he was? That nothing would change, not really, that we'd always have a chance, no matter how much time we wasted?   
  
His voice was hoarse as he pushed the words out of his mouth with effort, How long Sarah? I mean, when...when are you leaving me?   
  
I smiled grimly. At least, I think I smiled. I tried to, anyway. Mentally forbidding myself to cry, to display any outward sign of my inward despair, I spoke softly. I didn't trust my voice, didn't trust my heart. I knew that if I stayed much longer with this man who had graced my dreams and hopes, my resolve would crumble, and sobbing I would beg him to stay with me until the end, to never leave me alone, to belong to me as I would belong to him. But I couldn't do that. I could not, would not spend the final days of my life fulfilling my own selfish fantasy. To live a lie at the point of death, that wasn't me.  
  
So I kept my voice calm, for his sake and my own, Three months, maybe four  
  
Three months to live. When you know with near absolute certainty that death will claim you before the year is through, maybe you've already begun to die. There is a fundamental difference between knowing that you share the destiny of all mortals, that you will someday die as will everyone in this world...and knowing that it has already begun, that in a few short months your heart will cease to beat, your lungs to breathe. Simply recognizing that you can pin down the date of your death, that it is no longer an event to be viewed in an abstract way, you die a little bit. And you keep dying, every day more and more until finally, all too soon, you are not.   
  
Three months, his voice echoed mine and I felt his pain, his confusion. And it became twice as important for me to keep up this facade of strength, of a calm acceptance of my fate. It was written on his face how much it hurt him to think of any pain conquering me. I couldn't let him see the terror and anguish that had gripped me in a silent and relentless embrace ever since the doctor had told me her findings. For Harm to see this would only add to his own concerns, his own fears, his own despair. He loved me. How could I have ever doubted that? He loved me, and I loved him. I would do anything to keep him from feeling any more pain, even push my own pain deep inside where he would never find it, would never discover this potential addition to the darkness that held him. Darkness. I could see it in his eyes; dull, lifeless, lacking the spark of vitality that usually graced them. I hoped, I prayed to any who would listen, that that spark would someday return, that he would someday be the man he had been just minutes before. I wasn't being arrogant, just honest. I knew that I meant the world to the man in front of me, and that my death would cause a part of him to die as well. I just hoped that the damage to his heart, to his soul, wouldn't be irreparable.  
  
Funny how it took something as drastic as a death sentence for me to finally see, with a stunning clarity, the depth of this man's love for me. To understand that he was the only person in the world who I could trust absolutely. To know that his life and mine were connected, intertwined so completely that the death of one was an incredible blow to the other.   
  
Sarah...Sarah, what are you going to do?  
  
I don't know Harm. I just don't know. I've considered continuing to work, that is, until I can't anymore. I don't think I want to spend the last months of my life being useless. I guess, I don't know, I just want to do something worthwhile. I've got so little time...I'd hate to feel like I was wasting any of it.  
  
You couldn't, he swallowed, and I could see him fighting to restrain the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, you couldn't waste any time Sarah. Just by existing, by being a part of this world, by spending time with the people who love you, you make things better. It, it doesn't matter what you do, Sarah. Just as long as you're here. His voice was hoarse. I could hear the battle being fought between his self-restraint and his emotions as the interval between each word gradually lengthened and he struggled to finish what he had to say. His strength was failing. I gazed into his eyes, astonished at the depth of emotion contained in them. I looked down at his hands, still clasping mine.  
  
Thank you Harm. I know... my voice faltered and I pressed my lips together, breathed in deeply, and started again, I know this is hard Harm-  
  
his eyes blazed with a fury directed not against me, but against the impassive and remorseless universe, the fickle fate that called me to my death, that was taking me away from him, Its not hard, Sarah. Its impossible! This can't be right. This isn't...this isn't how its supposed to happen. We should have had more time. Damn it, we need more time. The last words were barely more than a whisper. He looked at me pleadingly, almost as if he thought that I had some power to influence the course of events, to change the past and the present to produce the future that he wanted, that we both wanted. But he was giving me more credit than I deserved. I had no power, no strength. I was nothing more than the myriad other mortals surrounding me. I had no way to stand up against the waves that swept me, him, everyone through time to our respective ends.  
  
I remained motionless, my face mere inches from his. I could feel the warmth of the short gasping breaths that he took in a futile effort to calm himself, to regain control. My eyes locked with his, I just looked at him, into him. There was nothing I could say. Nothing to say, not for either of us. Nothing to do, except be there, each a comfort to the other. Death is, I have come to realize, an impossible situation. Millions of years as mortal beings, and we still haven't found a way to deal with it. Maybe we're not not supposed to. Perhaps this irrational and sometimes overwhelming fear of dying is a part of what makes us human. I don't know what the future will bring. But I think, I think that even in a thousand, in ten thousand years, if by some chance or providence the human race has not destroyed itself or been destroyed, the cold and sickening terror of dying will still be seen in the eyes of the man who faces his death. This fear was in my eyes now, I knew. I could see it reflected in his.  
  
No. Sarah. I can't accept this. We are out of time. This stops now. I will not spend another day without you. There are too few left.  
  
Harm...what are you saying? 


	3. Chapter 3

The End: Chapter III  
by Kate

a/n: Thanks for the reviews. More please?  
  
She looked up at me, her eyes filled with wonder and disbelief. Eyes that would all too soon be closed to me forever. And I knew, that I would not, could not allow myself to spend one more day as her friend, coworker, and nothing more. I don't know when it was that I first realized that this woman was meant to belong to me, and I to her. I can't remember a time when I haven't looked at her with love, longing, and at least some sense of possession. Every woman that has passed through my life since I met Mac so many years ago has been measured against her. She has been the standard. I should have seen that. She was right in front of me for all those years, and I didn't even think to reach out and take her. Until it was too late. Well, I wasn't going to let that mistake continue. If three months was all the time that we had left, then I would ensure that we spent those months together.  
  
Sarah, I love you. Although I can't imagine that you don't know this, I think its important for you to hear. I love you and I will never stop loving you. Now, we have both committed a terrible crime against ourselves, our futures. By denying ourselves each other, we have wasted years of our lives. Years that could have been spent together. We were childish, petty, stupid. Now those years are gone, and we can no longer look to the future to make them up. We will never have the life, the family that we deserved. But we can have something. I believe it is worth it to try, even for some small fraction of the happiness that we could have had. We still have three months, Sarah. Let's not waste them. Sarah, tell me that you will marry me.  
  
She looked up at me in astonishment. It was impossible for me to discern her reaction. Quickly I went over my words, wondering if I had said something wrong, if I had offended her with my analysis of past actions. I didn't think of myself as an expert on making marriage proposals. Perhaps it had been too much like a closing statement. Or maybe I was so used to giving orders and being obeyed that I had forgotten to be romantic. I grinned semi-apologetically and very nervously, as I amended my argument with a,   
  
  
  
At that, she lost control. Laughing was mixed with tears as she simultaneously began to giggle and cry. All of the emotions that had been held inside her suddenly broke free as she sat before me. Joy and despair alternately lit and clouded her face, presenting a striking contradiction. I gazed at her, simply admiring her beauty and her strength as I had never felt free to before. I knew her answer now. Words were not necessary. Her expression said it all. And yet, after she had calmed somewhat, the words came. Words that filled me with a warmth and peace that I'd been lacking all my life.  
  
she sniffed, then smiled as she made one attempt after another to begin her sentence, I...I want more than anything to be your wife, to fall asleep every night and wake up every morning next to you, to be yours. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. But...I don't know if this is what's best for you. I'm, I'm afraid of how deeply this could hurt you. I'm going to die. Maybe we'd get married, and our lives would be perfect, and we'd be happier than we've ever imagined. But then. Harm, you would have to watch me die. Every day would bring me closer to the end, and you'd have to be right there with me. If you marry me, if you free yourself to love me, it will only cause you pain. You'll not only be losing your best friend, you'll be losing your wife. You'll be losing a part of yourself. And I'm not sure if I can do that, if I can take that from you.  
  
Sarah. Its too late. You are already a part of me. I'm in love with you. You are more precious to me than anything in this world. I would give anything to keep you alive. And it kills me that there's nothing I can do. I know that its going to hurt worse than anything to lose you. But its useless to try to keep me from that pain. I can't just turn back the clock and make my feelings for you less intense than they are. I wouldn't even if I could. This pain that you're trying to shield me from, its mine, rightfully. And I'm willing to take it. What I'm not willing to take is the pain that would come from not being with you, from not being a part of this, from being forced to watch from outside. I refuse. Marry me, Sarah. I want to be right there with you. If you have to die, and I wish to God you didn't, then you will die in my arms, wearing my ring.  
  
She looked...well, she looked shocked. I was a little a shocked too, at the depth my emotions, the strength and truth of my words. She sat there before me, beautiful, mortal. And I knew that every word had been true, that I wanted, I needed to be with her for this. I could only hope that she felt the same.  
  
  
  
One word, one tiny little two syllable word. It amazed me to find that this one word was the key to the door that had separated us for years, that the barrier between us had been broken so quickly, so suddenly. I realized with a start that the woman in front of me was mine, that I was free to look into her eyes, to tell her all that I had ever felt for her, to take her in my arms...  
  
I still held her hands in my own. I pulled her to me, gathered her in my arms, secure and peaceful in the knowledge that I didn't have to let her go after a suitable amount of time. She was mine to hold...until the day that she would be taken from me. Shaking, I held her, filled with joy to have her, overflowing with despair of losing her. I didn't want to think about the future, about the day when she would die and a part of me with her. And yet, I knew that I had to. I had to mentally prepare myself for that day. It had to be real to me, I had to be ready. Otherwise, I knew that her death would hit me with all of the force of a train, and trembling, I would be thrust into a darkness to deep to escape. It was so frustrating, so sickening, to think of how much time we had wasted, and how little time we had left. But the past was gone; I could only make sure that our short future together would be as beautiful as my Sarah deserved. As beautiful as she was. 


End file.
